It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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