So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
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