I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
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