Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Two words: blizzard sex
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
