Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
