I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Randomize
