I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Randomize
