I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Randomize
