I need to stop coming to work sober
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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