so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
