Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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