If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
