I understand why you refuse to be sober now
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
