i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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