A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
