I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Randomize
