You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize