I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Randomize
