he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
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