I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
