He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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