um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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