I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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