Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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