So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
