guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
