The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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