I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Randomize
