Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Randomize
