So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
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