Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
