I'll bet she douches with gravy.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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