Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
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