how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
