Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
