they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
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