I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Randomize
