i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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