I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I still have a little drunk in my system
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
