if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize