she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
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