I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
