I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Randomize
