the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
