The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Randomize
