I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Im part way to drunk.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Who died my cat blue again?
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
