In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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