The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize