the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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