I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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