last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Randomize
