I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
