I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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