In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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