if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Randomize
