I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
