i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Randomize
