dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
