My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Randomize
