I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Use "feeling words"
Yay
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
