someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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