It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Randomize
