I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
