He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
