So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Randomize
